For the first time in a long while I feel invested in myself. Not just the weight loss, so far, but for a few reasons. I also am working on working again. Went on an interview for a part time nanny gig. Something to pull in some income for a while, hopefully. Waiting to hear back from the woman to see if I got it or not. Also still pursuing my journey in trying to become a personal online shopper. Starting to go out with friends more and do things more for myself.
I even took on a bit of gardening again. Something I had not done in years. I forget how much I love being outside and working with plant life. I even did a tomato bed and basil. Both of which are thriving beautifully. Fresh pesto is SO YUMMY!
There has been one big change that I am having a hard time accepting. The old man had a complete epiphany recently and realized that I am the most important thing in the world to him. I am unsure how to accept all of his love, affection and verbal confessions of just how much he wants to show me his feelings for me. Why is this difficult for me you may be wondering? Because for SO MANY years I became a commodity/convenience, not a woman to be appreciated and adored the way he has suddenly decided is so very important. I had one foot out the door and suddenly he has decided that he does not want to loose me.
Do not get me wrong, it is nice feeling wanted and desired so once again. But when you have been where I have and already mourned the loss of your 'marriage' because it had been dead and gone for so long, how do you allow yourself to trust in this drastic sudden change of heart from your partner. It is something I had been without for a very long time, except the occasional "married with kids sex". All of you with children know this well. But other than that there was nothing more than the two of us parenting kids together and residing under the same roof. There was no real couple. But now that is what he is trying to hold onto more than anything else. I am trying to accept it and trust that it is real and here for good.
Meanwhile I continue my journey of doing ME, my own things and making things happen in my life that I want. My kids are doing well over all. Still a few challenges with my son and his Jekyll/Hyde anger problems. He actually took a swing at the old man recently and clipped his chin. One of those moments where we had to remember that he is 1.)ONLY 10 years old and 2.) That he is emotionally disabled despite his genius I.Q. Parenting him, while things have gotten SO MUCH better with him over the past year, still remains quite the challenge.
Now we are in the last few weeks before school starts back up. The one BIG thing on our list to do still is Six Flags. It is the one thing my kids both said they wanted to do more than anything else this summer. Other than that we have the typical back to school shopping. New shoes for the boy, new backpack for the girl etc etc....
So there you have summer in a nutshell. Well for the most part.
Hope the good things that have come about this summer in my life continue. I do know that each day I will enjoy and treasure for what it is. Because in the end my happiness and well being are solely my own doing and I am not ever going to give up on myself again!
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