Back home...

Home from my mini retreat to soothe my soul. As it is Monday, however, my soul is still a little wound up.
Today was a good day. Well it became so after I started off feeling an insurmountable amount of stress first thing this morning, as I walked through my house to make coffee stepping over the creation of chaos left behind from the weekend. Got the kids up and at the table for their breakfast, only to hear an argument break out over a word...A WORD. A single word. "No, that is NOT how you say the word"..."Yes it is. I know what I am talking about" and so on...You see my kids learn in French and English at school. This was a dispute over how to pronounce a French word. This, of course sparked after I heard how they had cereal ALL weekend so Heavens forbid I should offer them cereal this morning. "I want waffles"...
HMMM....Let's think. I went away for the weekend to get my mind together only to have my mind pulled in about 20 different directions within minutes just at breakfast this morning. What happened next you wonder...Mom had a momentary flip the hell out!
I told them both (pardon the language) "FUCK IT ALL...I CAN'T STAND EITHER ONE OF YOU RIGHT NOW"....This is SO NOT the norm. I am usually insanely cheerful in the morning with the kids. So much so it drives THEM insane. So all three of us were in a state of disbelief and tears. Actually one said "fuck it" back to me and went out the back door and stood in the yard for a few minutes. I sat down and melted for a minute. Brought both kids to my lap and apologized profusely stating that I was wrong to react that way. etc etc.  All was forgiven and back to eating breakfast.
Such a pleasant way to start the week with my kids. NOT! Although I must say, the cooperation, adoration and love that transpired from that flip out was magical. The three of us back in sync and out the door to school on time and happy. Bless my children for they have amazing hearts when it comes down to it. They understand that sometimes Mommy just can not handle things and freaks out. Humbling experience to say the least.
I had a long hard thought process as to where this came from. I had a relaxing weekend away, lunch with a great group of women on Sunday before coming home etc etc. Then it hit me, it came from the fact that when I did come home the house and the other adult in it are my stress. I had held it all in the entire weekend, even after receiving bullshit emails about my negligence in areas of my mothering and life and wrongness about taking some time for myself...OH NO...I wanted to come in my house and end my weekend on a good note. So I did so. Then upon my discovery of overwhelming feelings of stress from that persons bullshit I took my frustration out on my children.
I spent the day cleaning the entire house and making phone calls to keep from dwelling in the spots of my home life that want to drag me down. I ate very healthy, took my vitamins, exercised a little and had energy and felt very level headed having regained consciousness from this mornings fiasco at the breakfast table.
So now I am looking into my soul, once again, to find peace and a place of comfort knowing that I am in control. I need to keep my focus on the bigger picture. The plan and promise I made to myself over my weekend away. 
I have a plan, actually a mission, to create a life that is whole and happy for me and my kids. I honestly no longer care about anyone else on the outskirts of that. They can figure shit out on their own. I am DONE with caring for those who can not figure things out for themselves and take charge of their destiny. I am in charge of mine. 
So with that I am going to end my day with vegging on some TV and then head up to bed and read for a bit.